Monday, August 30, 2010

I think I'm starting to get comfortable with my "young" age.....maybe

AGE, it's a funny thing. Does it really matter how old you are?? If not then why do we think it does? Seems when you get to be a certain age, lets say 40 ish, a person, especially women I believe, start to become uncomfortable with their age. I know I did. I didn't want to turn 40. I was like omgosh, I'm 40!!! Then I started to look in the mirror more to see how many more wrinkles I had each day. I started wondering where all the years went. Now I'm the big 50, soon to be the bigger 51 !
eek! Boy, when I turned 50 I did not want that birthday. I secretly wished I could start declining in years, but soon found out that no matter how many times you tell yourself your a year younger, you aren't. I felt like it was now all down hill. Where did my life go? Why are my kids all grown up? What happened to the time? I wasn't done holding them on my lap and rocking them to sleep. One day I looked and they were teenagers and then 2 were grown up with kids of their own. It is weird to think I have a daughter older than the age I was when I had been married for 12 years and divorced with 2 kids and almost married again. I look back and wonder was I a good mother? Was I too strict? One thing your children learn when they get older and have kids is that we parents make mistakes too.
It's sort of nice when the circle is complete. But you have to wait so long after saying "some day when your a mom you'll understand". But eventually they do. :)
Next month I will be 51. So what? I'm beginning to reallize that your age is just that, your age. I have alot of wisdom from all the years I've lived and it's sort of nice to say to yourself, hey, let the younger ones do that. I have a right to relax. I can take a nap when I want to. Sometimes I still think I have to act like I was 20 and do EVERYTHING. Especially now since I have fibro I have to give myself permission to say no when I don't want to do something. Don't get me wrong..I totally do way too much! It's still hard to say no sometimes. I guess I tend to mourn the person I use to be, the younger me. Lately though, I'm feeling more comfortable being the age I am. I have 3 beautiful daughters and 3 beautiful grandkids and another on the way. I want to look at my age as a new chapter in life waiting to unfold. Sure there are times when I wish I could feel as good as I did when I was 20 or even 30, but time and health issues get in the way. I have to accept who I am and what age I am. After all I am far from being old! That's the other thing, every decade that passes, the next one to come always seems it will be the one that is "OLD", not the one your in at the time. Each year that goes by I'm another year older, wiser, and have to highlight my hair more often. That's life! Now today this is how I feel. Tomorrow I may feel completely different.

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